Because of Carson Moon Read online

  “Well... it doesn’t sound like you enjoyed it. You sound disgusted.”

  “He certainly knows what he was doing. We have such an intense connection, like it’s so raw and rough. It’s actually kind of scary. I just expected—well, I expected what I got—but I hoped, because of how intense our connection is, he would have really fucked the shit out of me. Like he wouldn’t have been able to control himself.” I shrugged hopelessly. “Put my assumptions to shame. But we ended up just making love. He wasn’t fucking me. In my mind I begged him to. And that made me feel like an even bigger slut because I creamed all over him and myself. Making love just doesn’t satisfy me.”

  “That’s contradictory as fuck. It sounds like you were satisfied to me.”

  “Okay, emotionally and even to a certain extent physically I was. But it was like drinking cold-ass lemonade on a hot summer day. You know, it looks sweet and delicious and thirst-quenching, and then you take a sip and it’s sweetened with a sugar substitute. Yeah you still drink it, you’re not thirsty anymore, and it was good, really good, you could even have another one. It might have even been more refreshing than the latter. But in your mind, you still wanted the real thing.”

  “From how you explained it, that doesn’t sound like an accurate description. I think you really like him, and you just don’t want to admit it because you have this unrealistic expectation of sex in general.”

  “I do like him, but he’s just not for me. Not in any type of real wayn” I said in one breath and in the next I said, “I mean, he’s the first guy to actually get me wet, like I don’t even have to warm up for him. I have before, but he’s so good at that foreplay shit, there’s just no point.” I sighed. “But, he just isn’t what I’m looking for.”

  “Yes, he got the job done, but we were making love for hours. Hours, Kira. And my pearl didn’t even hurt afterwards. That’s what I mean—he didn’t shut it down.”

  “Do you have some type of masochistic threshold that has to be reached in order for you to find sex adequate?”

  “No. It’s just—it’s like... He took me to heaven and left me there. Like can you please take me to hell, leave me there, and let me drag myself back to civilization?”

  Kira giggled. “You just had the kind of sex that most women wish they could have, and you’re complaining because he didn’t break your vagina?” She arched her neck with a mischievous smile. “Wait. His dick didn’t break it, those fucking orgasms did—you literally just said that.”

  “Ugh! Come on, Kira. Hours in missionary position. Not one ass smack, not one bite. He never pulled my hair, you never heard the sound of his pelvis smacking into mine. I never once cried. I was just floating on air.”

  “Sounds really beautiful.”

  “I know!” I frowned.

  “If you don’t want him, give him to me. I want to have pussy-breaking orgasms. Did he put you to sleep?”

  “Right. Fucking. To sleep. I couldn’t even kick his ass out.”

  “I see.” She lowered her eyes calmly, putting her hand to her chin, a thoughtful stare in her eyes. A moment later her eyes darted angrily at me. “Then what’s the problem? He’s a nice guy, as far as I can see. With a good dick. I wish I hadn’t been so off-putting the first time we met now.”

  My lips parted and I blinked slowly. “All of that pure and sweet energy just isn’t enough. I want him to give me his monster, but that’s not who he was. But I know he has one, I can feel it, taunting me. Ugh! And it’s that fact that lets me know he could never be with a woman like me. He’d never understand.”

  “Never understand what? Sounds like he’s more man than any of the other guys you’ve been with.”

  “No. I’m a bird, free and unconfined. I spent most of my life in a cage. There’s no way I’m going to let a guy put me in one. All I need is to find guys who fuck me the way I want to be fucked. I guess... I’m not saying it won’t be nice to have sex with him every now and then.”

  “Like make him a back-pocket guy?”

  “No, you have those just in case your other relationships go sour. I’m not going to be in any relationships. They’re a hassle. He just serves his purpose. Different guys offer different things, and he is crazy with the compliments, so I do want to still be friends. I’ve never really had a guy dote upon me in a nonsexual way. It’s kind of nice.”

  “So you’re just going to continue to have these friends with benefits?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And never be in a relationship? Never allow yourself to even explore what love is?”

  “Love is... It’s not a tangible thing. I know my parents ‘love me.’ But so what? What does that even mean? When was the last time I’ve had a real conversation with one of them? Never. Love is...”

  “Love is different for everyone. You should find someone who can love you like you want.”

  “I agree. And what I want is to be fucked. That’s as close to love as I want to get. Carson doesn’t know it, but he is only into me for the sex. Our connection is sexual. He’s just too nice of a guy to stake things solely on that. So I think he finds ways to compensate so he doesn’t seem like a perv.”

  “That is highly intricate bullshit. He probably just says how he feels, and you dismiss it.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I sighed. “I’m sure eventually he’ll find a nice girl to settle down with after he’s had all his fun. He’ll probably even let me know we’re done.”

  “I see.” Kira stared at me with an unreadable expression. “Well, do what you want. I’m here for you.” She finally smiled, affectionately.

  Of course, Kira thinks I’m good enough for anyone, she’s not a judgmental bitch. I wish everyone was like her. I turned upside down again and spread my legs.

  “Are you getting ready to masturbate?” Kira asked with a strange look on her face.

  “Why?” I simpered, impishly. “Are you going to watch?” I pushed my hand in my underwear. “Oh, oh...,” I taunted her, “feels so good, right there. Fuck me! Fuck me!” I laughed.

  “I could help you.” She threw a sassy smirk back at me and a raised eyebrow.

  My mouth opened wide and I turned over right side up. “Oh my God, want to masturbate together?”

  Her smirk left and a look of concern and unsureness came on her face, “You mean like get ourselves off not like get each other off?”

  “Yeah, I mean just together. Wouldn’t it be fun?”

  She darted her eyes up to the ceiling thoughtfully. “I haven’t had sex in a while. I’m not usually one to masturbate—dick is better.”

  “Agreed.” I grinned. “Well, it’s unique. Massaging your own lusciously sweet folds as they moisten is a completely different experience.”

  “Okay,” she said, nodding. “I’ll agree with that.”

  “This is why I love you. Well, one of the reasons. You never make me feel like the things that come into my mind or what I like to do are gross or my kinks are disgusting. Sometimes I feel like they are.” I lowered my eyes to the floor.

  “It’s fine. We’re in college.” She shimmied her jeans down her legs. “You just want to see my pussy anyway. You could have just asked.”

  I giggled and turned upside down again and took one of the sides of my panties and pushed it to the side quickly. “Hey, Kira.” I giggled and flashed my box at her.

  She laughed too, taking off her jeans, letting them lay in a pile on the floor and exposing her cute, pale-yellow underwear.

  “Nice. It’s all shaved. I like that look.” She lay back and shifted uncomfortably. “Maybe we should go in one of our rooms. I bet it would be more comfortable on the bed.”

  “Okay.”

  “We can go in my room.”

  I turned right-side up again. As I rose to my feet, my phone buzzed and someone knocked on the door.

  “Who is that?” I frowned, glancing at my phone as I picked it up. It’s Carson.

  “Shit,” she said struggling to get her jeans back on quickly.


  “You expecting someone?” I said, answering the call.

  “No, are you?”

  I shook my head. “Hello?”

  “What are you doing?” Carson asked.

  “Nothing,” I said sitting down on the sofa.

  “Can you not be in the living room in your underpants while someone’s at the door?” she said.

  “Sorry.” I rolled my eyes at her. I got up and was about to go to my room as she answered the door.

  “Oh, so you are here,” Carson said. “That’s me at the door.”

  I gasped and dropped the phone.

  Chapter 11: Dream Catcher

  “That’s Carson,” I said. My whole body was full of glee. Kira opened the door as I picked my phone up. Somehow the call had disconnected. It didn’t matter. The person I most wanted to see in the world was standing in my doorway. I tossed my phone on the counter.

  I smiled at him.

  “Hi,” he said, stepping into the house. He glanced at Kira, then at me. His smile made the insides of my belly tingle.

  Kira closed the door and I eyed the white box with the light purple ribbon and bow in his hands.

  “Hey,” he said.

  I love his voice.

  “I thought you were gone already,” I said, staring at him.

  “Nope. I’m leaving,” he said glancing back at Kira. He watched her walk over to the sofa and sit down, then he brought his eyes back to me. “On—”

  “What was that?” a slight pinch on my heart caused my chest to tighten and my frown to intense. I hadn’t even realized my smile had turned into a frown until that very moment. “Were you just checking her out?”

  Immediately I remember what Kira had said earlier: “If you don’t want him, give him to me.”

  He stepped back with wide eyes and dropped the box.

  “So you were checking her out.”

  “He was checking me out?” Kira called from the living room.

  “I was. Sorry.” He gulped, scratching the back of his head and then he narrowed his eyes at me. “Does that piss you off?” he asked with a blank expression.

  I arched my neck, furrowed my eyebrows and smacked the shit out of him, leaving my handprint across his pale cheek.

  I twisted my hip and huffed with pouted lips and walked over to the couch.

  Fucking bastard.

  “So, you can be with whoever you want, but I’m not even allowed to look at other girls?” he asked in a heart-piercing, frightening monotone.

  Kira frowned, impressed. “Now I’m sure I like him.”

  He glanced back at her. His emotionless expression turned into that goddamn crooked smile.

  “I’m not with other guys when I’m with you. Asshole.” I glowered.

  “Hey.” He frowned, picking up the box and walking over toward us. “I’m not being an asshole.” He sat next to me.

  “You said I was your goddess.” I folded my arms. “So, now Kira’s your goddess?”

  “She’s pissed. Keep going.” Kira egged him on.

  “Kira!” I narrowed my eyes at her.

  She rolled her eyes.

  “Sorry. I’m just kidding with you.” He smiled, with big puppy dog eyes. and I let him off the hook, right then. “You forgive me for looking at your friend’s ass?”

  “My ass is better than hers,” I said, with jealousy still in my voice.

  Kira and Carson laughed.

  “What’s in the box?” Kira asked.

  “Oh,” he said, glancing down, pushing it toward me,” This is for you. Merry Christmas.”

  “What?”

  “I got you a gift.”

  “I didn’t get you anything.”

  ‘You don’t have to. Being able to be friends with you and...” he said, quickly darting his eyes at Kira. His cheeks reddened and he leaned into my ear, “being able to make love to you is gift enough.” His breathy and beautiful voice paralyzed me.

  My chest clenched tightly as it felt like maybe my ear, neck, and brain were involuntarily contracting with orgasms. How the fuck did he do that? I shuddered with a tiny, involuntary moan in response as he pulled away from me and stared into my face.

  “What did you just say?” Kira asked him point blank.

  “Oh, sorry.” He bit his bottom lip and shifted his eyes nervously around the room, “I didn’t want to embarrass her—she smacked me the last time I did so...”

  “Trust me. She’ll be fine,” Kira said, dryly.

  “He said that being my friend was gift enough.” I said, leaving out the other part.

  “Can you please get the stick out of your ass? It’s fine. He is a cutie, but he’s your friend.”

  Why am I acting like that with Kira? She’s my one and only true friend. I wish he was a different type of guy. Maybe we could have a threesome. I gasped. No, not with him. He’d probably tell everyone I was a slut. He’d video it and put it on a porn site with a title like ‘two sluts let me fuck them.’ I sighed. No, he wouldn’t do that. Would he? No. He’d probably never talk to me again if I asked him to do something like that.

  “Fine. He said being my friend and making love to me was gift enough,” I peeped.

  “See, I already knew that,” Kira said, “You’re a really nice guy, Carson.” She eyed me, “Better than a lot of the guys she’s been friends with.”

  “Good,” he said, staring at me with that cute little smile.

  I sighed and took the box from him and opened it.

  I pulled out a dreamcatcher, staring at it strangely. It was almost too beautiful to look at. Brown and cream colored nylon string weaved around the brown leather circle. Small natural stone beads, each one with a different shape and color—some white-gray, some turquoise, hung on the strings below the circular moon. Near the end, peacock feathers dangled from the leather strings. The designs and beading inside the moon looked like a flower with pearls and silver and natural stones.

  “A dreamcatcher?”

  “Yeah.” He smiled and reached in his pocket. “My mom made it.”

  He pulled out a bracelet that looked like my dreamcatcher. The band was the same thick brown leather, the feathers looked to be braided across the middle. And on one side the same moon, even down to the little details, only smaller.

  “It’s just like this bracelet. I got a lot of the fabric at a holistic shop, so it’s pretty decent material. It should last a while. I was thinking.” He darted his eyes at Kira. I looked at her too.

  She was nibbling on her nail beds, staring into space, and clearly hadn’t realized we were looking at her. She did a double take. “Oh, oh... You want me to leave.” She got up and went to her room.

  “Sorry, sometimes I get a little gun shy.” He smirked timidly.

  He’s so cute.

  “Anyway, like I was saying—” he paused, his smile leaving abruptly as he eyed my chest, “Where is your necklace?”

  “Oh. I put it in my top drawer.”

  “You’re not going to wear it?”

  “I will.”

  “You don’t like it?”

  “I do. I just don’t wear jewelry on a daily basis.”

  “Oh,” he lowered his eyes and sniffed the air., “Anyway. I was thinking...” he still struggled a little, his eyes, disappearing behind the ends of his loose curls, “I’m going to miss you.” He paused. “I just thought if you had something that reminded you of me, if the necklace didn’t, or if you ever get scared because your big strong panther isn’t here to protect you...” He smirked bashfully.

  I smiled so hard my eyes teared up.

  “...this would protect you. Or make you think of me and hopefully... that would make you happy.”

  He always speaks with such sincerity when he’s serious about something. I smirked, sadly.

  I batted my lashes, my whole body warm. I wanted to lay in his arms, ask him what he usually does for Christmas, if he’d come back and be with me for New Year’s, but I didn’t even entertain what he said. I didn’t let my heart
fall into his words like it so desperately wanted to. I moved on to another subject.

  “When are you leaving?”

  His perfectly pink lips parted. A tinge of sadness almost graced his face, but it was quickly replaced by a smile. “Sunday.”

  “I’m not going home. I’m staying.”

  “Then maybe I could come back after Christmas. Christmas is a big thing in my family so I can’t miss that, but...”

  Exactly what I wanted, but I can’t accept it.

  “No, you should spend time with your family.” Too bad I don’t have one.

  “But, I want—”

  “Hey,” I cut him off, I didn’t want to talk about anything personal. I was already having a hard time understanding our relationship. I didn’t want to have other connections to him. It was too much. He was infiltrating or had infiltrated my heart and I couldn’t allow that.

  He swallowed, pursing his lips.

  What I wanted to say was, “Do you want to watch me and my best friend masturbate and then fuck us?” But there were two things wrong with that statement. I definitely didn’t want him to know that I would be down for him watching me and another girl masturbate or be okay with him having sex with us—I was only okay because it was Kira. Deep down I did think he was mine, just a little bit. The second thing wrong with that sentence, was he didn’t fuck, he made love. If I was being honest with myself—which I wasn’t, I didn’t want him making love to anyone else but me. And I hated myself for wanting him to make love to me. How could I ever think I deserved to be made love to? I’m the girl you fuck. That’s what I like. How shameful was it, hiding who I am, just so I could pretend to be worthy of someone like Carson? I knew he’d find out soon enough that I was a slut, but I didn’t want him to that night.

  “I have a present for you also. Me.” I smiled, innocently.

  His eyes grew larger than I ever had seen them. I didn’t wait for a response. I grabbed his arm and took him in my room.

  “You’re forceful today.” He stood in front of my bed. I didn’t respond. I was so cool and calm on the outside, on the inside I was crumbing. As I slowly undressed him, kissing his neck, kissing chest, on the inside everything about him, even the taste of his skin, the temperature, was driving me wild. I wanted him to stop me, to throw me on the bed and tell me what he was going to do to me. And I wanted him to do it rough and hard. No matter how much I wanted that, I knew I wasn’t going to get it.